MW 'I'm completely gobsmacked': My elderly brother has a reverse mortgage - yet he still ran out of money. Do I help?
By Quentin Fottrell
'My husband and I are both retired and have saved for years - we simply can't afford to take on his financial situation'
"It may sound harsh, but we're old as well." (Photo subject is a model.)
Dear Quentin,
First of all, I never imagined I'd be in this position. My brother, who is the eldest sibling, and I are the only surviving members of our family since our parents passed away. Now he is suddenly cash-strapped and coming to me for financial help. He has a reverse mortgage on his home, and my husband and I have a meeting scheduled with him to go over everything. He lives in a somewhat affluent neighborhood.
How does one go about helping a very elderly man who has only me as his next of kin? My husband and I are both retired and have saved for years. We simply can't afford to take on his financial situation. It may sound harsh, but we're old as well. I'm completely gobsmacked by this situation, as I truly believed he was doing fine. Thank you for your time - any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The Sister
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
Related: 'We're living the simple life': I was a fisherman and my wife was a nurse. We retired with $6 million. Here's how we did it.
When people have financial difficulties, they can become codependent - but that's not your codependency, it's his.
Dear Sister,
Your emergency fund isn't for other people's emergencies.
You said it. You can't afford it. You're elderly. And your brother needs to cut his cloth according to its measure - that's an old expression that means, in this context at least, that he should cut his expenses down to match his Social Security income and any other income he may have, including from his reverse mortgage. There is a line, and you don't have to cross it.
When people have financial difficulties, they can become codependent - but that's not your codependency, it's his, and it takes two people to form an unhealthy bond. You would likely not ever again see any money you gave him, so even loaning him money would merely be the start of a bad habit that could be hard to break. If he asks for $1,000 today, he will ask for $1,000 (or more) tomorrow.
Tell him: "I'm sorry you're going through this, but this is what it will take for you to get back in the black." He has already taken out a reverse mortgage and, I expect, he has exhausted that route, or perhaps he's still benefiting from a monthly income. You can help him identify his biggest expenses, although that may be tough, especially with the recent rise in fuel prices.
Even if you're not giving him money, you can give him your time - the most valuable commodity any of us has - and you can give him your advice. Start by asking questions rather than expressing judgment: "Was there a single event that started this financial slide into the red?" Or: "Where do you see you can make cuts?"
The AARP Foundation has a director of local assistance programs, a guide to livable communities and information about senior housing. The Eldercare Locator - which is part of the Department of Health and Human Services - can also help connect people in need with local services. He may also qualify for Medicaid, the needs-based federal healthcare program.
If he does not qualify, the Medicaid Excess Income Program can help people who are only slightly above the threshold for Medicaid. The income that exceeds Medicaid eligibility acts like a deductible. If he shows that he has medical bills equal to his excess income in a particular month, Medicaid may provide help to pay his medical bills.
Other ways to lend support
There's a big difference between saying, "We can't help you," and telling him, "We can't give money, but we will help you figure this out." By attending meetings with a financial adviser and taking notes, you can offer meaningful support without taking on financial risk. This is a scary time for him. You can be there for him, but boundaries are important here too (no calls after 9 p.m., for instance).
Inflation, healthcare costs and low or no savings are pushing many retirees to go back to work, even part time in low-paying jobs, to make ends meet. If your brother is not in a position to work, perhaps he could rent out a room in his home. He should slash any nonessential expenses, such as streaming services and hobbies, until he's in a more secure financial position.
Overdue bills can create a lot of anxiety, and being there to open them for him could provide a huge relief. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling and American Consumer Credit Counseling can help people who are sliding into debt, and 12-step support groups, including Debtors Anonymous, provide a safe space for people to talk about their background and emotional life.
A recent AARP survey found that "unretirement" is a reality for millions of retirees. Last winter, 7% of respondents reported having returned to the workforce within the previous six months, drawn back primarily by financial pressures (as well as a desire to stay active). Nearly half (48%) of unretirees cited financial need or a worsening economic outlook as their main reason.
When combined with access to Social Security (15%) and pension benefits (13%), financial preparedness was a factor for roughly half of retirees (50%), the AARP survey found. While most retirees feel they left the workforce at the right time (68%), a significant minority - nearly 3 in 10 - believe they retired too early.
A doctor's evaluation could help rule out early signs of dementia. Most of all, there is a lot of shame and shaming associated with people who go into debt or become overwhelmed by their bills. It's worth saying to him: "There's no reason to feel ashamed. That's not a useful emotion, and millions of people have found themselves in the same boat. You're not alone."
Related: 'Could a nefarious caregiver steal her money?' My mom, 91, has a $5 million portfolio, but leaves her passwords lying around the house.
More columns from Quentin Fottrell:
I'm 59. My wife and I bought a second home for $484,000 at 6.2% interest. Will this be a drain on our retirement?
'Six figures are missing': My aunt's attorney took over her bank account. Two random doctors declared her incompetent. How do I fix this?
'I didn't ask a man to rear-end my car': Social Security is replacing my disability benefits. Will the fund run out of money?
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-Quentin Fottrell
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March 24, 2026 06:24 ET (10:24 GMT)
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